A Dad’s Sepsis Story

After a diagnosis of Meningococcal disease and sepsis, 5 week old Oliver was finally discharged from Bedford Hospital. His dad Cy continues the story:

We could not have been more relieved to bring Oliver home. He still had to have some check-ups in the coming weeks but we were lucky. 

Sepsis is a time critical condition, it can take lives in a matter of hours. That was all I could think about for months.

Why did I waste so much time? He would have been treated so much quicker and avoided that lumbar puncture if I had acted sooner. If not for Christina, I would have lost my boy. If it was just me looking after him, I would have lost him.

Those thoughts didn’t leave me for months. None of them were true but it didn’t stop me from believing them.

My confidence was shot. I didn’t do any night feeds again; I had a fear that if anything was wrong, I would miss it. I didn’t feed him as much, I had no confidence in my ability to act if something was wrong. I missed out because of my fear and my guilt. I love my son, more than anything, I still played with him and the time I spend with him is an absolute joy, but I couldn’t trust myself with the scary stuff anymore.

This went on for about 16 months, but it seemed to get worse as time went on. I found myself not being able to sleep, constantly listening out on the baby monitor. I wanted to sleep on his bedroom floor just to listen to him breathing and make sure he was ok.

My fear was that I would miss something. But he was, and is, absolutely fine.

I then started to lose sleep. I would watch something on TV where a child was ill or worse and it would keep me awake at night. Something had to be done, so my wife and my mum suggested therapy which I initially dismissed because I felt I deserved to feel guilty for missing the sepsis. 

Christina wanted more children and I didn’t because I was afraid of what might happen to them. My son was long clear of sepsis but it was still affecting our lives.

I reluctantly agreed to go through therapy. Firstly, because I didn’t want to make Oliver anxious about his health by constantly worrying about him and checking on him and secondly, we wanted another child and I wanted to enjoy the night feeds again and do all the stuff that I had taken away from myself. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD relating to the lumbar puncture and started having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

It’s been tough. It’s been emotional. But it’s been so rewarding.

Oliver: A Dad’s Sepsis Story,

My therapist reminded me of all the things I missed from my memory. The fact that Oliver was seen by two doctors and two paramedics, none of whom thought he had sepsis, so how was I to know? I came to realise the sepsis itself wasn’t my fault but I still wish I had known the symptoms sooner.

She got me to focus on the feeling of relief after the lumbar puncture – yes we went through an awful experience but I was there with him, not some strange nurse who wasn’t ready to do the procedure – it was me, his dad. 

I was there. Because I was there, we found out he was going to be ok. In fact if I had acted sooner on that first night, we might have been sent home and he wouldn’t have been put in front of Nurse Ally.

Everything happened the way it did and because of that, my son is here now and he is healthy. It was the worst week of our lives but it had to happen that way.

This is why we must be aware of the symptoms, it’s crucial.

Connecting with Sepsis Research FEAT has been a bit more of a healing process for me and my family. I feel a responsibility to turn this negative experience into a positive and use it to help other people. If I can do some work with the charity, it will help raise more awareness and could end up saving lives if more people know the dangers

I believe in the charity’s message of Stop Sepsis Now and the work with medical professionals to raise more awareness. The fact that sepsis is called a “Hidden Killer” is scary and I think it would be great if that was no longer the case – if the symptoms become so well known that it is rarely missed. That is why I think the charity is so important. The more awareness the better and the more research into treatment, the more lives will be saved.

Two out of every five sepsis cases are in children under 5. Sepsis is indiscriminate and dangerous. We need more research and we need your help to do this. Please click here to donate to Sepsis Research FEAT.

Look out for blog 4, the final in this series, next week.

Hear Cy speak movingly about the family’s experience of sepsis on his Words of Sepsis podcast here